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How Would Your Life Change if Justin Bieber Went to Jail?



Justin Bieber was cited for speeding in LA which confirms what I always thought – that fame is a gateway drug.

I suppose the dictionary might not define fame as a narcotic. But a drug is “a substance that has a physiological effect when ingested or otherwise introduced into the body.” And I think that fits what fame can do to a being.

Generally a drug is something that you work hard to get and work harder to get again. You crave it. You think about it all the time. You imagine there is nothing you would do to score again. You obsess about it. And when it’s in your system, you think you own the world. You rule the universe. You think you are a golden god. You think you can do it all. You think you are invincible. You think you have rights beyond the rights of so called normal men.  

Certainly in the right context some of these can be admirable traits. This might be the way you think of certain people in your life; your mom, your dad, Steven Jobs, the guy who played Urkel.

But eventually, things always seem to get a little out of control. And the world’s tolerance for these obviously mortal souls lessens.

The solution? Set an example. And start with Justin Bieber.

Oh sure, it might just be a speeding ticket. But what’s next?

  • A mansion in the hills…
  • a private zoo…
  • sleep overs with One Dimension…
  • a manslaughter charge that can’t be substantiated because everyone involved in the case has been mysteriously transplanted to Stratford, Ontario, Canada…
  • and eventually teenage monster TV movies starring The Biebs, Ted McGinley, Billy Zabka, Ally Sheedy as the mom and Marisa Tomei – just because she liked the script and she needed the work.


So let’s nip this in the Bieber. Let’s put Justin away for 5-8 years. Let’s make him share a cell with Shelley Malil from “The 40-Year-Old Virgin” and make him eat hundreds of pounds of undercooked McCains Frozen French Fries.

By the time he gets out of jail, the music scene will be dominated by David Hasselhoff and vehicles will be replaced by thought-bubbles that travel up and down the major highways. Justin will have learned his lesson and he will become the next Huey Lewis.

Who wants a new drug now?


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